You wanted me to change, I wouldn't,
You thought we would remain friends, I couldn't,
And I can't wait forever,
For you to get yourself together,
My world can't revolve around you,
No matter how much you wish it to,
I have to live for today, live for tomorrow,
Otherwise my life will be overcome with sorrow,
I hope you understand the things I am telling you,
If not, seriously, get a clue.
This is the first poem I have ever published but I hope there are more to come!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Change
"Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”-Keri Russell
Change, it can hurt you, lift you, and confuse you. Last Friday I had to deal with a decision that would change my life, no matter how small of a change it caused. My friends whom I thought of as family decided they didn't like how I was acting, and instead of coming to talk to me they proceeded to make me feel left out of the group. After venting to my mother about how I felt, she made me call them and ask them what was going on. That phone call nearly tore my heart out. After crying for who knows how long, I realized that whenever someone had a problem with someone else in the group they would get everyone to gang up on that person. I never realized it until I was the person being ganged up on. I remember the pessimistic voice inside me saying "Why do you want to be friends with them, if they act like that?" I waited for the optimistic voice to say something or at least give me something to say but, there was nothing. I couldn't think of an answer to that other than I don't. I had to make a decision. Stay friends with them and not be treated like a human being deserves, or cut off from them and risk not being able to find anyone else to be friends with. I know it sounds shallow but when you're in middle school things are way more drastic than they need to be. I'll admit I thought I loved them so much that on Friday I wanted to end my life, but my mother asked me what they did to make me happy so much that losing them would ruin my life. I couldn't come up with a good enough answer. I thought I needed them.
Tuesday at lunch I didn't make any contact with them. Two girls I used to be friends with walked the track with me, I had forgotten how nice and funny they were. I sat with them at lunch and the group of friends they had were nicer and didnt say as many crude words as my old friends. Other people asked if I would like to sit with them. Basically I learned that change can be good and I realized I wanted to end my life because some kids ganged up on me.
"Never fix a temporary problem with a permanent solution."-John Hallegan
Change, it can hurt you, lift you, and confuse you. Last Friday I had to deal with a decision that would change my life, no matter how small of a change it caused. My friends whom I thought of as family decided they didn't like how I was acting, and instead of coming to talk to me they proceeded to make me feel left out of the group. After venting to my mother about how I felt, she made me call them and ask them what was going on. That phone call nearly tore my heart out. After crying for who knows how long, I realized that whenever someone had a problem with someone else in the group they would get everyone to gang up on that person. I never realized it until I was the person being ganged up on. I remember the pessimistic voice inside me saying "Why do you want to be friends with them, if they act like that?" I waited for the optimistic voice to say something or at least give me something to say but, there was nothing. I couldn't think of an answer to that other than I don't. I had to make a decision. Stay friends with them and not be treated like a human being deserves, or cut off from them and risk not being able to find anyone else to be friends with. I know it sounds shallow but when you're in middle school things are way more drastic than they need to be. I'll admit I thought I loved them so much that on Friday I wanted to end my life, but my mother asked me what they did to make me happy so much that losing them would ruin my life. I couldn't come up with a good enough answer. I thought I needed them.
Tuesday at lunch I didn't make any contact with them. Two girls I used to be friends with walked the track with me, I had forgotten how nice and funny they were. I sat with them at lunch and the group of friends they had were nicer and didnt say as many crude words as my old friends. Other people asked if I would like to sit with them. Basically I learned that change can be good and I realized I wanted to end my life because some kids ganged up on me.
"Never fix a temporary problem with a permanent solution."-John Hallegan
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Lost?
Have you ever felt like you don't know who you are anymore? That you aren't doing all that you are meant to? That when you look in the mirror you don't recognize the person staring back at you?
If you have never felt this way you are one of the lucky few. Sadly, most of us have or will in our lives, I already have and sometimes the feeling haunts me. When it happens some of us try to hide it by acting normal or trying to convince yourself that nothings wrong. When you try to hide it, it feels like a piece of you is missing, but there is cold, fake, plastic filling in the emptiness. You feel like everything that makes you who you are is gone, that somehow you can't remember the way it felt to be you. If you bury your self in a project or work, you forget almost everything else, you don't have time for your friends, or you do things without feeling it.
For me it was the stress of impressing my parents; when I was practically perfect, they only saw the things I did wrong. I was swamped with projects, had dance three times a week, theater twice a week, got home at eight or nine most nights and I practically raised my little brother. I was twelve and didn't go to bed until two in the morning, woke up at six, and barely had time to eat, or spend time with friends. My actions became automatic, I ate because I had to, and my eyes were dead. Life went on like normal and I became used to it. Gradually the life came back to my eyes and I became less of a zombie/robot.
If you have never felt this way you are one of the lucky few. Sadly, most of us have or will in our lives, I already have and sometimes the feeling haunts me. When it happens some of us try to hide it by acting normal or trying to convince yourself that nothings wrong. When you try to hide it, it feels like a piece of you is missing, but there is cold, fake, plastic filling in the emptiness. You feel like everything that makes you who you are is gone, that somehow you can't remember the way it felt to be you. If you bury your self in a project or work, you forget almost everything else, you don't have time for your friends, or you do things without feeling it.
For me it was the stress of impressing my parents; when I was practically perfect, they only saw the things I did wrong. I was swamped with projects, had dance three times a week, theater twice a week, got home at eight or nine most nights and I practically raised my little brother. I was twelve and didn't go to bed until two in the morning, woke up at six, and barely had time to eat, or spend time with friends. My actions became automatic, I ate because I had to, and my eyes were dead. Life went on like normal and I became used to it. Gradually the life came back to my eyes and I became less of a zombie/robot.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Family
What is family? Do they have to be blood related? How come sometimes even if we are surrounded by family we feel so alone?
I think family does not have to be blood related, if you're close enough to someone, I don't mean just close I mean like super close, close enough to know in a split second when you are upset, if you care about them in a way you are unable to describe, then I would consider them family.
Family, Definition: any group of persons closely related by blood, as parents, children, uncles, aunts, and cousins
What the definition should say: a group of people who are generally not blood relations but who share common attitudes, interests, or goals and, frequently, live together
My definition: people who care about eachother and have a bond that is unfathomable by words on a simple page.
Even if you are surrounded by people of blood relation, you can feel so alone. I am not going to try to tell you there is something psycologically wrong with you. There are going to be times when you feel like no one is there to catch you if you fall,when no one is there to tell you that you tried your hardest, or that they believe you can do anything. Your family are the ones who are going to pick you up and dust you off, tell you that no matter what you do you are going to be amazing. From my experience they don't come out and say it but somehow you feel it in your heart and see that its true in their eyes.
I have both my parents, and two brothers, but my family is also made up of four brothers and three sisters. I love them all and couldn't be more blessed.
I think family does not have to be blood related, if you're close enough to someone, I don't mean just close I mean like super close, close enough to know in a split second when you are upset, if you care about them in a way you are unable to describe, then I would consider them family.
Family, Definition: any group of persons closely related by blood, as parents, children, uncles, aunts, and cousins
What the definition should say: a group of people who are generally not blood relations but who share common attitudes, interests, or goals and, frequently, live together
My definition: people who care about eachother and have a bond that is unfathomable by words on a simple page.
Even if you are surrounded by people of blood relation, you can feel so alone. I am not going to try to tell you there is something psycologically wrong with you. There are going to be times when you feel like no one is there to catch you if you fall,when no one is there to tell you that you tried your hardest, or that they believe you can do anything. Your family are the ones who are going to pick you up and dust you off, tell you that no matter what you do you are going to be amazing. From my experience they don't come out and say it but somehow you feel it in your heart and see that its true in their eyes.
I have both my parents, and two brothers, but my family is also made up of four brothers and three sisters. I love them all and couldn't be more blessed.
Chinese Cinderella: Short
In my school we are reading the book Chinese Cinderella. I can relate to the main character Adeline, I go through a lot of the same things she did: my mom hitting me, finding refuge through writing and my friends, my siblings torturing me, my parents praising my siblings more than they even notice me, and many more. My friends are the ones who made the connection and mainly because they found I was Chinese, through Adeline I find guidance and I know what to do. Like Adeline I hope to save myself instead of being a damsel in distress and waiting for a prince to come. I know in real life you have to make your own happy ending, its not going to come to you.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Afraid of Affection
I used to be afraid of opening up to people, I was so scared of people getting to know the real me. I believed that letting someone into your heart was just offering them a chance to hurt you. Like in a battle if you let a soldier into your base you just let them kill off your troops. Part of the reason I believed this is because of the fact that everyone who said they would never leave, left. Everyone who said they would never hurt me, did. Most promises people made to me, were broken. When I fell, there was no one there to catch me. I stopped trusting, and just prepared for the pain. At least that way it wasn't a surprise, I built walls around my heart, spent most of my time alone. I buried myself in my books, art, and music.
Until sixth grade, I felt like my family didn't care about me. My parents decided I was too old for the nicknames they used to call me. They stopped telling me they loved me. My older brother used to talk to me until I fell asleep everynight my parents fought. He used to sit at the end of my bed and held me everytime my parents yelled so loud we could hear them. When he started middle school suddenly he was too cool to be the brother I could turn to for anything. It was the most depressing time in my life. It still hasn't gotten any better but I made amazing friends who seem to care about me more than my family does. I realized that throughout my life I am going to meet a lot of people who are going to try to break me, but as long as I have my friends, they won't be able to.
Until sixth grade, I felt like my family didn't care about me. My parents decided I was too old for the nicknames they used to call me. They stopped telling me they loved me. My older brother used to talk to me until I fell asleep everynight my parents fought. He used to sit at the end of my bed and held me everytime my parents yelled so loud we could hear them. When he started middle school suddenly he was too cool to be the brother I could turn to for anything. It was the most depressing time in my life. It still hasn't gotten any better but I made amazing friends who seem to care about me more than my family does. I realized that throughout my life I am going to meet a lot of people who are going to try to break me, but as long as I have my friends, they won't be able to.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Smack Talking
This is my first blog so it probably won't be very good but, you know, whatever.
Everywhere people talk behind others' backs... some find it harmless, to most it's torture. If its someone you don't know or don't like, it is bullying. If its a friend of yours, its betraying their trust or backstabbing, if you will. If you talk behind someone's back what good does that do? Sure you have a moment or two to laugh about it with your friends, but is it really that 'cool' to be cruel to someone who thinks they can trust you? Or might be hurting more than you could ever imagine? It could also matter in the long run, (this is hypothetical) say you want to apply for a job, what if the person in charge was someone you talked about in school, you might not remember it but that person probably will. He or she wouldn't want you to work there or might let you work there just so they could make you miserable. If you talk about someone that doesn't make you a better person it even makes you uglier on the inside. I used to have a friend but she made my trust in her dissolve by talking about me to my best friend. She lost my faith and trust so people started to talk about her because they thought she was so mean or so weird I decided to stop being her friend. Now she has only two friends at our school because no one trusts her. When you talk about someone it only brings you trouble, whether it is emotional, losing friends, or losing peoples trust. No matter what it is bound to happen so why not stop? Tell whoever is smack talking to stop, or if you are too afraid, subtly change the subject. If its you who is doing it, how would you feel if it happened to you? Who knows it could be hapening right now. It happens a lot and there was a situation recently where two of my friends were talking about our friend I even said some things about her that I wish I could take back. I won't tell her but I at least owe it to her to write this blog.
Everywhere people talk behind others' backs... some find it harmless, to most it's torture. If its someone you don't know or don't like, it is bullying. If its a friend of yours, its betraying their trust or backstabbing, if you will. If you talk behind someone's back what good does that do? Sure you have a moment or two to laugh about it with your friends, but is it really that 'cool' to be cruel to someone who thinks they can trust you? Or might be hurting more than you could ever imagine? It could also matter in the long run, (this is hypothetical) say you want to apply for a job, what if the person in charge was someone you talked about in school, you might not remember it but that person probably will. He or she wouldn't want you to work there or might let you work there just so they could make you miserable. If you talk about someone that doesn't make you a better person it even makes you uglier on the inside. I used to have a friend but she made my trust in her dissolve by talking about me to my best friend. She lost my faith and trust so people started to talk about her because they thought she was so mean or so weird I decided to stop being her friend. Now she has only two friends at our school because no one trusts her. When you talk about someone it only brings you trouble, whether it is emotional, losing friends, or losing peoples trust. No matter what it is bound to happen so why not stop? Tell whoever is smack talking to stop, or if you are too afraid, subtly change the subject. If its you who is doing it, how would you feel if it happened to you? Who knows it could be hapening right now. It happens a lot and there was a situation recently where two of my friends were talking about our friend I even said some things about her that I wish I could take back. I won't tell her but I at least owe it to her to write this blog.
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